


he is so much more than just a creep.

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Bisexual Male Character, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Skipping Class, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:05:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5509589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie Gardner is not a good person. He knows this. He transfers into the class of his crush and then doesn't show up half the time. He has thoughts he doesn't know how to handle, and so he handles them the only way he can. He uses all the right moves, but it isn't enough. Riley Matthews doesn't fall madly in love with him. And so Charlie starts skipping more than just class.<br/>Also known as the angsty Charlie Gardner fic nobody knew they needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	he is so much more than just a creep.

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on It Happened in Texas, but I had this idea and realized how there is no fanfiction that goes deeper into who Charlie is, other than as a love interest. And I feel like maybe that's because we don't know enough, so I made some stuff up. This is mostly based off of my own experiences though, and so I am probably grossly misinterpreting his character. Let me know if this is any good, or if it is awful. All feedback is welcome. And check the tags before reading, because like always with my fics there is some dark shit.  
> Note on the tags: The self harm is not at all graphically described, but is outright stated to be self harm, so it is more than just an implication, and is referenced multiple times.

It starts on their date. Or, what Charlie thought of as their date, even though Riley told him not to talk or hold her hand. He gets popcorn and licorice, like always, but there's a voice in the back of his head telling him "You really want to eat this? Riley likes skinny guys. That's why she was dragged outside by Farkle. He's smarter than you, and skinnier, and you're just worthless. She doesn't actually like you, you know that, right?" But Charlie just sighs and watches Riley eat her gummy bears instead of watching the previews. And if he eats a little less than normal, leaving the movie theater people some trash to pick up, well, that's not all that odd. Not everyone finishes their food all the time. But when he looks back on it, that's where it started.

Except it starts earlier than that, because that voice that is what thinks his thoughts has been messed up for a while. It might have started before he met Riley, when he was alone and didn't try to seduce girls. It might have started when he and Yogi would skip class, and they'd walk around the city, and the voice in his head would tell him how if he just took a couple of steps over, he could lie down on the street. He could just end it all, end all the days of coming home to an empty house with all of his sisters away at college because they grew up to contribute to society, end all the days of boring schoolwork he doesn't understand piling up (which he knows he could probably do if he just showed up sometimes, but he doesn't have motivation and the world outside used to be beautiful before it became as worthless as school was, so he continues skipping just to see if he could see the beauty he once saw in it), just go and die like he likely will in twenty years anyway. But Yogi was right next to him, and Charlie couldn't condemn the boy that kind of trauma. So maybe it starts during those sixth grade days, when he'd show up to school in long sleeve shirts and avoid eye contact with any teachers, thinking they'd know something's wrong, or assume the worst when really Charlie had only damaged himself. But Charlie likes to think that has no correlation to his food problem, likes to pretend that he doesn't have addictive personality written all over his psyche. He tells himself it starts with Riley, because that way it is almost like his problems are the typical, middle school crush type problems. 

Charlie first sees Riley when she's walking to school with Maya. He takes the bus to school, when he bothers to show up, and he is alone when he sees her, because Yogi has stopped hanging out with him as much now that Yogi has a girlfriend. He sees Maya first, and tries to remember where he recognized her from before remembering she was in his math class. And then he sees Riley. And it feels like his heart has stopped for a moment. She's laughing and twirling, and Maya's laughing at her, and Charlie knows this is creepy but he can't help but try to memorize everything about her, from her outfit to the sound of her voice. And then she's gone, and Charlie is scratching at his wrist again, knowing he'll never be good enough for a pretty, happy girl like her. 

But time goes on, and he catches more glances at her. The days he sees her are the days he tells himself he will not go anywhere near a pair of scissors, and he usually succeeds. He combats his thoughts of lying in traffic or jumping off of buildings with "If I die, I may never get to date Riley." He notices when Maya borrows Riley's notebook, and sneaks glances at both sides. When he sees who it Riley likes- Lucas fucking Friar- he is ready to give up, then and there. Lucas Friar is the boy who is better than him in so many ways, the boy who is a gentleman and good at basketball. Lucas Friar has kept Charlie up at night for more reasons than one, and Charlie is filled both with desire and jealousy when he looks at him. When he sees Riley likes Lucas, no, loves him, Charlie Gardner just leaves school after math class that day. He finds the tallest building he can, sweet-talks his way into it, and stands on the roof. He thinks of how he'll never have a chance with either of them, how he'll never be good enough for anything, and is ready to jump. But at the same time he remembers his parents left him in charge of bringing in the mail. And so he realizes he can just kill himself at home, and goes home to bring in the mail. He goes to the scissors again, his only vice, but doesn't cut deep enough to die. Scissors are surprisingly hard to use on yourself, and Charlie knows this. He gives up on dying, at least for that day 

And then the semi-formal comes closer. Charlie and Yogi have been becoming closer again, so Charlie decides to teach Yogi how to skate. It certainly happens in more than a day, Charlie is simply a liar on that point. He doesn't know what he is going to do yet, but he is going to try to woo Riley. He doesn't bother thinking about what he'll feel like if he fails. He hasn't thought of death in a couple of weeks, and so he simply plans. He researches what will sweep a girl off her feet. He spends time talking to florists and balloonists. He explores New York. And he watches, and waits for his moment. 

Charlie will later look back on his entire relationship with Riley as a breeding ground for his insecurities. She immediately accepts him and then rejects him, and he reacts the way he thinks a good person should, even though he is certain he is not a good person. He finally gets the opportunity to talk to Lucas Friar that day, and while Lucas thinks they are sort of becoming friends, Charlie is completely overjoyed. And when Lucas thinks Charlie is straight, Charlie lets him. He still really like Riley, and this guy is still his potential romantic rival, even if he is incredibly smart and handsome and way too good for Charlie frickin' Gardner. And when the night ends, Charlie knows, or at least thinks, Lucas has deep-seated resentment for him and so decides to treat him like such. Never mind that they were agreeing to disagree a few hours ago. Charlie tells himself its fine, and resists the urge to grab a pair of scissors as he falls into an resentful sleep. 

So maybe it starts on his first date, or maybe it starts beforehand, but Charlie Gardner is definitely not a reasonable person when it comes time for the new year. He has been gradually coming to terms with the fact that Lucas was dating Maya, and he is jealous. But he is also dating Riley, and sure, maybe she doesn't actually like him the same way he likes her, and sure, maybe she hasn't contacted him since their movie date, but she gives him a reason to come to school every day. So he shows up in time to talk about sense and sensibility, and he made sure to get invited to her party. Because, while he knows he doesn't deserve someone anywhere near as good as her, he still thinks he has a chance. A stupidly small hopeful part of him believes he can be happy.

But then the new year's party happens. And he is standing on the roof, his heart beating out of his chest, saying words he doesn't mean when all he really wants is to throw himself off the roof. He doesn't deserve more. Whoever Riley thinks he is, the so-called gentleman he tried to be for her, doesn't exist. But he does, and Riley's little brother is sitting on a bench. Everyone is ignoring him. Charlie remembers being his age, at a party for adults, and he felt so bored and lonely at the time he would always go outside. Nobody ever noticed him when he was a kid, not with so many of his sisters clamoring for attention. So he spends his last few minutes of the new year talking to this kid. 

After the new year is when the thoughts come back. Thoughts like "maybe if I had been skinnier Riley would like me instead of Lucas." Thoughts like "what's the point of trying anymore when everyone I love just doesn't love me back?" Thoughts that make him consider going back to the scissors because he can never wear short sleeves again anyway. But instead he decides to do something about his meaningless existence. He finds a way to start focusing on school by doing his homework instead of eating breakfast. He avoids the lunchroom so he'll never have to see Riley friggin' Matthews or Lucas bloody hell Friar ever again. He catches up on all the work he missed on those excursions he had taken by himself or with Yogi. He finds he likes the feeling of hunger, and oddly not eating gives him more energy than before, rather than less. He discovers nobody cares about his disappearance from the lunchroom anyway. It's almost like he is invisible. 

Charlie is not stupid. He knows he should at least try to be healthy, so he never bothers with the whole throwing up if he eats thing. He still eats at least one meal a day. It's usually breakfast or dinner. Sometimes both if he's eaten light the day before. He doesn't have a problem, he just wants to be likable. And if he dies in the attempt, well, he's really just killing two birds with one stone then. He feels lightheaded occasionally, but he still eats. He just doesn't eat enough. 

But then the day comes when he relapses. The feel of having unbroken skin is too much for him, so he steals a pair of scissors from art class and asks to go to the bathroom. He does what he hasn't done in so long, it's already the end of February. It's been at least two months. And worst of all, he gets caught. His sleeve rolls down a bit when he raises his hand to answer a question in history class, and Mr. Matthews asks him to stay after class. He asks him if anything's wrong and questions him about the bandage. Charlie makes up a lie, but it isn't very good, so he gets told he'll have to make an appointment with the guidance counselor.

The next day he skips all three meals. He convinces the guidance counselor it was truly a slip of the hand, he is actually in a healthy state of min and will never self harm again. He tells himself he is right. He will never self harm again. Instead, he will simply deny himself food. 

It works. The urges are replaced with the gnawing sense of emptiness, and the times between when he last ate are longer and longer. When he does eat he eats stuff that has nutrients, like vegetables or popcorn and licorice, because he knows the human body needs some fat to survive and he doesn't want to die just yet. He becomes addicted to the feeling of hunger, and thinks of it fondly even while he partly satisfies it.

He only skips gym now. He cannot risk physical exercise or changing in front of the other guys. They'll notice he's lost weight. He can still hide behind baggy shirts and his pants still fit at this point. He gets phone calls home and fails the quarter, but neither he nor his parents care.

Then comes the day, as he is walking outside of the school, while skipping gym, that he faints. Farkle, who has also taken to skipping gym, finds him unconscious. Farkle takes Charlie to the hospital because the school nurse doesn't know what to do. There Charlie gets put into treatment, and there is where he earns about root causes and how to write about "where it starts". There he has to learn how to eat again, but there is also the place Lucas decides to visit him. They become friends again. Charlie discovers from his roommate what the word bisexual means, and when he brings it up with Lucas, he finds out they have another thing in common. Once Charlie is released, they start dating. Charlie still has days of longingly thinking of high heights or days he skips meals, but he doesn't hate himself as much. He is so much more than a creep, Lucas discovers when Charlie tells his story. His story, that starts in one time and rambles its way to the present. His story that you've just read.


End file.
